What Hurts The Most
by LiKe a dRuG
Summary: KyoTama Kyouya muses on the past before Tamaki left for France, not only breaking up the host club but breaking Kyouya's heart.


**Title**  
What Hurts The Most  
**Contents**  
Ouran High School Host Club  
**Pairing(s)**  
KyoTama - Main  
TamaElc  
**Narration**  
First person, Limited.  
**Summary**  
Tamaki went through with leaving for France to marry Elcaire. Kyouya muses on his last chance to say how he truly felt.  
**Disclaimer**  
I do not own Host Club.  
**Warning**  
Yaoi. Songfic.  
**Enjoy**

How long has it really been? Four years.. Wow, how time flies. It seems like just yesterday you were here running our fine club. We had to break it up, or as you used to say 'dissolve'. Without a King we really had no leader. Hunny and Mori senpai graduated. Haruhi, the twins and I don't exactly talk to them anymore. The twins sort of, went their own way too. Of course they still attend Ouran, and I'll see them once in a while, but we don't talk much. Haruhi and I had gotten into a fight last year, so our friendship hasn't been the same. I try to avoid her, but where ever I go there she is. Recently I talked to her, and it was actually a civil conversation like ones we used to have. We all miss you very much, and just like we always said, You were the glue to our little family. Haruhi's top of her class, and it's no surprise I still an the top of our class. Hunny tries to call often, but he moved away to another city to continue with college. I don't pick up his phone calls, I try not to remember that we once had a family so close. I can't tell you exactly about the twins, because well we don't talk anymore. I know they're both driving now, and that they do odd jobs for their mother, but that's about all I know about them.

All families dissolve eventually...

My oh my.. I should have controlled my temper a bit. I guess when you told us all you were leaving for France to be with your mother again I just got so angry that you would up and leave us so willingly. Of course I didn't mean it when I told you the month after you moved that i never wanted to speak to you again. I did, I thought about you every second of every day. I couldn't get you out of my head even after I stopped answering your emails. Then I heard from the twins that you were dating Elcaire seriously now.. That you lost your virginity to her. That only fueled my anger, I thought you told me that you could never find anyone else like me in the entire world?

I know you remember.. Because it was the last thing you told me before you left. We were at the airport, five minutes until you would board the plane. You told me if we had something to say that we should say it now before you left.. You told me how I was an incredible person, that I changed your life, how you wouldn't be able to find anyone else like me in the entire world, how your broken heart will never mend, and the thing that pulled my heart strings the most was how you would propose to me if you ever saw me again.. I just smiled and agreed with you..

_"Yeah, me too."_

That was the last thing I said to you.. God I'm such an idiot sometimes! You poured your heart and soul out to me and I just said, 'yeah me too'... I've never let you go, you're on my mind every day.. I've cried myself to sleep thinking about you with someone else... I've destroyed walls because you weren't there to stop me.

If I could only tell you everything I've been keeping unsaid all these years, then I could move on happily.. I could forgive you for leaving me if I could see you one more time, hold you in my arms and tell you that I loved you.. Because I never thought I said the words as wholesome as I said them to the empty room you left behind..

Your picture is safe. Whenever I look at it, I can's help but sob.. And I never talk about you to anyone, I don't want to sound like I'm hurting. I have to be strong for everyone else, I have to be the stone for the others around me. But they know I hurt.. Even when I talk about stories about the host club, the stories seem to focus on you... And they figure it out.. They can see the look in my eyes, and they ask my why I'm still holding onto you. It's the only hope I have.. The fact that someday you might come back to Japan saved my life more than once.. But the fact you left was the reason why I also took my life in the first place..

Don't you remember the day we went to Kyoto? We held hands the whole time we were there.. People would stop and stare and you would just flip them the bird. I would apologise to them, but I was laughing as I did so. I could really be myself around you, and vice verse.. Your father smiled around me but I knew he didn't like his son seeing another man. Same thing with my father, but he refused to believe it was real. Even now he talks about me marrying a girl, almost like you never happened.

Recently that plush red rose you gave me was thrown away by a maid. I thought I had no reason to live anymore... I.. I was so hurt and upset that it was in a landfill somewhere, I fired the maid.. I wasn't the same for the next few days.. I tried to commit suicide, I tried hanging myself with a chain belt I had in my closet. Then I thought about how you would be lonely when you come back to Japan and I decided against suicide.

Then I talked to you over the Internet. I told you how sorry I was that I said I never wanted to talk to you again, and that I couldn't get the two years of not talking to you back.. You're not the same Tamaki you once were.. I think it's because, you're with _her_... She's a total bitch anyway, defiantly one of those girls who loves drama in her life. 'Oooh my life suuucks'... Yeah bitch, whatever, shut the fuck up... You have the most amazing man on the planet with you.. Loving you dearly... Take a look around before you tell me that.

After that night, I stopped talking to you again.. I didn't tell you I was not talking to you though, and it made me feel a little better.. Not as sad.. But you're still so far away from me.. I almost forget what it feels like to wrap my arms around you..

.. I won't admit it, I won't say I've lost you.. I know that someday you're going to come back to Japan, and that will be the day I ask you to marry me. I don't care what my father says, I don't care what my siblings think, I want you to be my husband.. We'll move to America, we'll have a happy life forever.. Just like we used to have.. I know you still love me, there's still a Tamaki deep down in the man you are today that still loves me..

--

[A/n]

This is actually based off a true story between me and an exgirlfriend. Of course, some parts are just for show like... host club. France... Basically she moved to Japan, leaving me in the U.S alone, then got a boyfriend.


End file.
